59 posts tagged “life”
I am bothered by the problems that I see and cannot fix.
I know that there is nothing I could possibly do, except perhaps what I am already doing.
But, what I am already doing is not enough.
How can I do more? How can I make it better?
I find myself wishing that I was less of a "fixer."
I want my world to be better. I want my world to be better on a global scale. I want my world to be better on a local scale. I want my friends to hate each other less. I want for things to make sense again. I want to remember what it feels like to be in love with a place. I want to have someone here that I feel safe crying in front of.
I want things to be better.
"There is a way to be good again."
So, once again, it's midterm week, and if you look at the timestamp on this entry, you will notice that it is not an appropriate hour to be writing, much less thinking. And to be fair, I have stopped my organized, testable thought, and have entered far into the world of abstraction, as far as one my progress in the wee hours of the morning.
Everywhere I go, in every area of my life, I seem to be finding this funny wall. When I run, I call it my 60% wall - if I can make it through 60% of my workout, then I am certainly able to complete the last 40%. Those last few miles might hurt like a bitch, but I can push through it, and I have something to be proud of, tangible results in the form of distance and calories and time. Last week, I ran for over an hour, the first time in my life. I had two five mile runs - again, for the first time in my life. But my 60% is a calculable point there. And I know that there are some days when I just can't do it, for whatever reason. Many times, it's just because there is simply too much going on - I have too much on my mind to get a really good run in, or I am just too exhausted from everything else going on in my life. And other times, it just doesn't happen - you shake your head, do what you can, and then promise to make it happen tomorrow.
When I study, especially during these weeks, the wall is different. When I find the wall here, I often have to stop, quite literally, whatever I am doing, and take a proverbial look around. I'll get lost in a particular subject - tonight, I just happened to fall on natural killer cells, part of the innate immune system. Here's what happened tonight:
I was plugging along, rewriting notes and drawing pictures. My roommate came home at about 1AM, and we started talking about her final tomorrow (a class I'm not taking), and study strategies, and how she's really hoping just to pass. She went to bed and I headed back to my notes, but I was having a really difficult time getting started. I stopped and started to get tired, and my eyes would glaze over every so often before I would snap to it. My thoughts would wander, sometimes related and others not.
My last wind (I had lost track at this point over whether it was the 4th, 5th, or 6th) came when I hit the adaptive immunity lecture, and I got lost in this train of thought over how amazing our bodies really are, and how little we actually know about them. Yet, for all we don't know, our bodies have the remarkable ability to repair themselves. Modern medicine has, to be sure, presented a lot of treatments and cures, many of which are amazing. But our bodies' own natural defenses have protected us since the beginning of our existence, and in many times, without really adapting. Natural killer cells make it their function to find and kill that which it cannot recognize as self. Toll receptors can recognize non-self patterns on the molecular level - patterns present only on pathogenic cells - and destroy. And we haven't even talked about adaptive immunity - B cells, T cells, vaccinations.
It's the same with the brain. I've taken quite the interest in neurology the last few months. The brain is, as everyone knows, incredible. We don't know ANYTHING about the brain, if we consider the things we know and compare it to the list of things we don't know. But, if a patient walks in with a defect, and you know the symptoms and signs, you can say with high reliability exactly where the lesion is. We don't know why - why skills and characteristics localize, why some neurons produce this chemical instead of that one, anything - but it works and more often than not continues to work in spite of our ignorance. I am constantly amazed by the human body, and the finely tuned machine that it is.
So I hit this wall, sometime at around 2AM, where I quite literally got lost in the awesome of the human body. It was bizarrely renewing in a time of high stress... but it gave me what I needed, apparently, to work for another 90 minutes.
And with that said, I'm going to bed.
(How's that for a stream-of-consciousness entry?)
Santa Fe
Phoenix
Portland
New Orleans
EDIT:
New York
Richmond
Charleston
Minneapolis
Montreal
Toronto
Providence
Santa Barbara
San Francisco
Denver
Austin
Atlanta
As I'm in between apartments right now, it's hard to get motivated to do much of anything because it's all going to be in boxes and suitcases in a matter of weeks. So, clothing ends up in piles on top of furniture, etc. Except for that my behavior in this regard is apparently inconsistent because I just had the following problem:
"Where are my new khakis?"
"They're not in the 'clean clothes' basket... they are not in the 'dirty clothes' basket."
"Well, where else could they be?"
"They're absent from the bedroom floor, absent from the bathroom floor. I just cleaned the living room, so I know they're not there."
...They were in the closet, neatly pressed and hung. Exactly where they're supposed to be, exactly where I left them.
It's finally here, it seems, with reliability - spring, and greenery and baby animals. We have a couple of mallard families that live on the pond, and the ducklings have finally appeared. I watched a mama duck step on one of them by accident. She's lucky she's a duck... DFS would have been all over that.
In the words of Dora.... SQUEEE!
I hit upon this long list of profundities while I was taking a break from what I was doing... lots of things really hit home for me, and maybe other people will like it as well:
1. If the map doesn’t agree with the ground, the map is wrong. We are given mental maps as children. Our parents and other adults tell us what is right and what is wrong – sometimes they don’t always get it, well, right. Now as adults, when we find the maps we have relied on for so long can get us lost, we need to recalibrate and create more reliable guides based on what we now know to be true and where we want to go.
2. We are what we do. We are not what we think, or what we feel, or what we say, we are what we do. Actions do indeed speak louder than words. If you are unhappy with a particular part of your life, take a strong look at what you are doing to be happier.
3. It is difficult to remove by logic an idea not placed there by logic in the first place. By nature, we are emotional creatures. Often we live and react based on feelings, not logic. Feelings are wonderful, but when we become tied to a particular thought or belief we tend to ignore the fact that change might be necessary. If a negative behavior is driven by an emotion, then we must find a way to still satisfy the emotional need while putting an end to the destructive behavior.
4. The statute of limitations has expired on most of our childhood traumas. For some, childhood was pleasant, almost idyllic. But for others, when there has been serious physical, sexual or emotional abuse it is important to recognize this and process this with a trained professional. No matter your past, change is the essence of life. In order to move forward in life we need to learn to live in the present.
5. Any relationship is under the control of the person who cares the least. When relationships end it is typically because of unmet expectations or one person is not feeling love or cherished by the other. For relationships to grow and last both members have to be equal with the love they give; and both should do it, not because they think they have to do it, but because they want to do it.
6. Feelings follow behavior. No matter how hard we try, we don’t control what we think or what we feel. But, we do know which actions bring us happiness, pleasure and confidence. So, we do the actions that make us feel good. It is the action, the behavior that comes first. Take the next few days to notice how you feel after doing a particular behavior. If you like the feeling, do more of it. If not, change the behavior.
7. Be bold, and mighty forces will come to your aid. When we step out and claim what we want from the world a wonderful thing happens – the Universe responds.
8. The perfect is the enemy of the good. While it’s important to have control over our lives, it can be counterproductive to attempt to control our lives. The energy spent trying to be perfect can keep us from enjoying and appreciating all the good things that exist right before us.
9. Life’s two most important questions are “Why?” and “Why not?” The trick is knowing which one to ask.
Understanding why we do certain things is the first step to change.
Until we understand what motivates us, what we get from doing a
particular behavior, there is no momentum to begin the change process.
Likewise, by asking “Why not?” we begin assessing the risk versus reward aspect which can lead to bringing about productive change in our lives.
10. Our greatest strengths are our greatest weaknesses. One of my biggest strengths as a person is I’m caring, sensitive and emotional – it is also my greatest weakness. While this strength helps me to build and maintain healthy relationships, it can also make me too reactive and less effective when dealing with conflict. This can create a confusing paradox for me from time-to-time, but having the awareness of the thin line between the two better prepares me to either use my strength or be mindful of my weakness.
11. The most secure prisons are those we construct for ourselves. What is your fear of change costing you? Too often what keeps us stuck is the belief we can’t move forward. Our head-trash tells us we are not worthy to have our heart’s desire. This fear; this incarceration, prevents us from breaking free and having the life we desire. Remember this: Before you can do anything, you must be able to imagine it. Imagining who and what you want to be, and then taking action, is the key to begin freeing yourself of what is holding you back.
12. The problems of the elderly are frequently serious but seldom interesting. The thought of our own mortality and demise can be a frightening one. Therefore, our attitude towards the aging can be callous because they are unwanted reminders of what’s ahead for us. However, the elderly can hold great value and wisdom for us. We must remember to show respect and gratitude for those near the end so the cycle can be repeated when it is our turn.
13. Happiness is the ultimate risk. No matter how painful, sometimes what we know is more comfortable than what we don’t know, even if we are depressed and miserable. Our misery can feel safe because it has been a part of us for so long. To seek happiness, to do things to break free of the depression, is a risk because we don’t know what it looks like or feels like to be happy. The antidote for this is hope and faith.
14. True love is the apple of Eden. “When I look back, the Garden is a dream to me. It was beautiful, surpassingly beautiful, enchantingly beautiful; and now it is lost, and I shall never see it any more. The Garden is lost, but I have found him and am content. - from Mark Twain in Eve’s Diary. True love is fair compensation for the obstacles and burdens of being human.
15. Only bad things happen quickly. When we think about the things that can change our lives in an instant we usually think of the negative ones first: accidents, our employer going out of business, or the news of a loved one becoming seriously ill. There is plenty of room; however, for good things to happen too, we just have to be more patient. Losing weight, improving a relationship, or creating a rewarding career all take effort, but the life-long satisfaction these bring can help to fill our souls when they are emptied-out by the bad.
16. Not all who wander are lost. When we were children we were told what to do. In our jobs, we are assigned tasks and projects. Our culture even has expectations of what we should do. It’s OK to step outside of the lines in order to follow what your inner wisdom is suggesting you do with your life. It’s not that you are lost when you wander, it’s just the opposite: You know what you want and you are only attempting to find the best path to your destination.
17. Unrequited love is painful but not romantic. Love is meant to be shared. When you give your heart to someone who is uninterested, it will only result in loneliness and disappointment. Instead find someone who will share love with you. When you do, you will feel the real power of love.
18. There is nothing more pointless, or common, than doing the same things and expecting different results. This truth also provides a very good definition for insanity. When things are not working in your life, try different things. The rub comes when we become so comfortable with the familiar we refuse to try something new. To grow we must also embrace change. The question then becomes what level of fear you are willing to walk through in order to change, grow and create the life you want.
19. We flee from the truth in vain. Somewhere along the way there are truths about ourselves we never allow to see the light of day. Shame, guilt or embarrassment keeps these truths hidden and locked away. But remember, we cannot change or heal what we do not acknowledge.
20. It’s a poor idea to lie to oneself. We may say the words, the words of a lie, but inside we know better; we know the truth. The most damaging lie we can tell ourselves involves making a promise. While good intentions are important, living the truth has far greater value in our life. Do what you say you are going to do, not just to improve the quality of your life, but to be able to live your life with confidence and self-respect.
21. We are all prone to the myth of the perfect stranger. Unless you are being victimized by your partner, chances are very good there are plenty of reasons to love your partner or spouse. It takes maturity, patience and trust to look across the fence and know your grass is greener.
22. Love is never lost, not even in death. To lose what means the most to us is the ultimate test of helplessness and survival. I have been very fortunate to not yet experience the death of a close relative. That day, however, will come. When it does, my hope is I can transfer all of the love I have for that person to others still with me. In that way, the love for the person lost will always be alive.
23. Nobody likes to be told what to do. As a parent it’s easy for me to sometimes tell one of my children what to do instead of just listen and offer advice, if requested. My need to control can trump their need to be heard and grow on their own. When this happens, communication is strained and trust can be eroded. Rather than telling my children what to do, my job as a parent is to give them hope that they can be successful in a very uncertain world. This can be achieved by limiting my lectures and by giving them the time and space to “figure it out,” while I’m standing by with a safety net.
24. The major advantage of illness is that it provides relief from responsibility. In an ironic twist, the days we feel under the weather can be some of the healthiest for us. We push, we rush and we often don’t take time to take care of ourselves. But when we are feeling ill, we are forced to to slow down, perhaps call in sick at work, and take it easy.
25. We are afraid of the wrong things. For the first 18 years of my marriage I feared the wrong things. I feared not earning enough money or not advancing quickly enough in my career. I should have feared losing my wife and family instead, because I almost did. Now, I try to live in the present moment and appreciate all I have. When I do this, I stay centered with hope and not distracted by fear.
26. Parents have a limited ability to shape children’s behavior, except for the worse. My wife and I often hope our greatest legacy to our children is to be able to break the cycle of pain and doubt we experienced as children. Our hope is our children will have the self-love and confidence needed to live a rich and full life. With that said, we are far from being perfect parents. But our focus is to help them be as happy as possible in a world that takes and demands so much of them.
27. The only real paradises are those we have lost. Too often we may view the past with a special fondness, perhaps reverence, too. But the past for most of us may be no different than the present, it just feels that way. To be honest, we may not always see the past for what it actually was. This view can be dangerous and it can keep us from living fully in the present, in the here and now.
28. Of all the forms of courage, the ability to laugh is the most profoundly therapeutic. Yes, things can go wrong in life. Yes, there are issues and problems to solve. But we have a choice. We can choose to become pessimistic and not see the value in what we experience, or we can choose to laugh as an admission to the fact we are not perfect and life can get the best of us at times. What a relief to know that no matter how bad things may look, a smile or a rift of laughter can begin to make the circumstances feel better.
29. Mental health requires freedom of choice. No matter how bleak or desperate a situation my appear to look, we always have choices. Even with the absence of answers or direction, we do have the power to choose what our next action is. We can choose to ask for help; we can choose to pray; we can choose to get up in the morning, get dressed and forge ahead. The ability to choose gives us power. We can use that power to begin removing the obstacles that confront us.
30. Forgiveness is a form of letting go, but they are not the same thing. To be clear, the purpose of forgiveness is not to let the person who harmed you off the hook, the purpose of forgiveness is to end the grief it has cost you. Don’t just let go, forgive and truly surrender the feelings of anger and pain. This may seem difficult, almost impossible, until you attempt to do it.
So, it's finals week. We all know what that means.
I got the invitation to Pam and Dana's wedding yesterday. It's beautiful, and I'm excited to go... my first wedding in a long while. There was a short little phrase, a very sweet and sentimental thought, letterpressed on the inside. Maybe another time I'll come back and add it.
But for now, suffice it to say, it made me ache a little bit. It's just another in a long line of revelations about myself that I really could have lived without this week. It's hard to admit, because it makes me feel sad and makes me look more than a little pathetic.
But, for the moment, all I can do is try to breathe through this week, survive and live to fight another day, and hope that each successive day brings me a little closer to what is to be, and to what I am to become.
I've had a rough run since my birthday, nothing I've wanted to talk too publicly about. I have some really great friends from here and home that have pulled me through it. I owe them gratitude beyond words - truly, more than I can express and they know who they are.
So this is life, and living. You take from it what you can, you make mistakes, you hurt, you cry. But the next day, you pick yourself up and you start moving on. You use what you know, you use what you can, you find a few great people to trust, and you just do it. You have enduring faith that tomorrow will be better, and most days, it will be. That's what it's like to live.
A very good weekend, indeed.
- I lost my Jimmy Buffett "virginity" on Thursday night. Dad took me to the Buffett concert at Riverport - my birthday present. It was a seriously good time - the peoplewatching is second-to-none. Things seen: a blender powered by a Weed Eater motor, a flagpole with both Buffett pirate and Mizzou flags, and several of my dad's coworkers. The music was solid, the liquor flowing - it was everything it is purported to be, and if anyone ever has the chance to go to a Buffett show, do it.
- I bought a new-to-me car - a 2006 Chevy Aveo with about 33K miles. It's a nice, very small car, with fairly decent gas mileage... and nothing falling off the bottom of it. I can actually hear myself think in this car - the last one was desperately needed about $1000 in repairs, including a new muffler, new central exhaust, and new axles and boots. Anyway... it's silver and it needs a name. I have not yet ascertained my car's "gender," but suggestions are appreciated.
- I went to services with my dad on Friday night. Mom wasn't feeling that great, but we were on Oneg duty, so someone had to go. It was a very small minyan - maybe 15 people. A funny moment: it is our tradition that the pre-b'nai mitzvot children (under 13) undress the Torah before it's read. On Friday, I was the youngest person there, so I was goaded into undressing the Torah, which I haven't done in almost 10 years. Quite a bit of teasing ensued.
- After services, I spent some time with Zach, which was really great - I've missed him a lot this year, and haven't seen him since he was in Chicago for a protest at the end of October. So we went for a drink and then hung out at his dad's for a while, watched the end of the Cardinals game and caught up.
- Saturday was mostly a study day, and then we went for dinner with Aunt Ruth for my birthday. She made a pie for dessert, and I stayed around for a little bit after my parents left, just to talk to her about things.
I should be heading back to Chicago in a little bit, just waiting for my iPod to charge... this week is not going to be an easy one in any sense of the imagination!
Two quotes that I am consistently gravitating between these last two weeks:
"Whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should." Max Ehrmann
"Whether you believe you can, or you can't, you are right" Henry Ford
Let's please try not to point out that I've turned to affirming quotes to get through the day, or that I've taken to quoting a known anti-Semite, and remember that I am, in fact, alright. I'm doing fine - better than fine, because I make it a point to always be better than fine, even when I'm at my worst. My hair looks good. I'm seeing Buffett tonight, and a good friend tomorrow night, and getting a new car. I'm finally getting enough sleep at night, and I'm happy almost all of the time.
It's spring.
